The dark side of self-care

Taking care of yourself. If you’re a caregiver, healthcare worker, or missionary, you may have already been introduced to the idea of self-care. Wikipedia defines the concept as “the practice of taking action to preserve or improve one’s own well-being and happiness, in particular during periods of stress.” It’s really important for mental health and holistic well-being. All of that sounds really positive, even essential, right? But…what if it becomes an unhealthy practice? What if I’ve twisted self-care into self-indulgence?

                

Here’s my confession: I just** went on a short overseas trip, from Niger to London, for 5 days. The primary purpose was to attend an occupational therapy course on treating pediatric hands. During that time, I read my Bible once, didn’t attend or listen to any worship services, and didn’t even listen to worship music. I prayed a couple times a day but they were what we in the Family call “fly-by” prayers. I was completely self-absorbed, totally focused on my agenda for this long-anticipated respite from the heat, dust, noise and stress of Niger, in full “self-care mode.” I was going to do everything that I wanted to do, without anyone else asking me to do anything, and I was going to enjoy the cold temperatures and the public amenities and the tourist attractions and every gluten-free thing I could find. (All accomplished, by the way.)

I find myself struggling to remember to make space for God when I go on trips, or during times of transition, when I’m out of my routine and/or in a new place, because I’m incredibly devoted to habits. I’m also a spazz who multi-tasks at all times (example: while I’m getting dressed I’m probably also making coffee, feeding the dogs, checking messages, and gathering the therapy supplies I need to take with me that morning…maybe even starting laundry or the crockpot). I want to want to spend time with God, and if I don’t there’s something off-balance or missing, but there doesn’t seem to be a lot of space in my head for sitting down with Him. I just forget to do it.

I was thankful that even if I seemingly forgot Him, wrapped up as I was in 5 days of self-indulgence, He didn’t forget me. I had faith-centered conversations with my Airbnb hostess, my London airport driver, a fellow overseas worker, a lady in a gluten-free café, and a fellow traveler returning to Niger. I pray that more opportunities for such conversations will occur naturally during my work in Niamey.

One idea that I came up with to combat my lack of attention to Grace was to download more worship music and listen to it more often (especially in the car). And I’m also spending more time writing in my journal, developing a habit of bringing it with me in case I find myself with downtime somewhere. Please keep me in your prayers as I seek refreshment and renewal for this season of life: living in the desert of Niger, finishing French language school** and transitioning to working full-time as the only occupational therapist in this country of 21 million people. If my cup is spiritually empty, I’m truly lost.

**note: I drafted this on Jan 29 and it's taken a few weeks to upload pics and get it published, due to internet struggles...since then, I've passed my French placement exam into Advanced level and I'm no longer in school. I've transitioned to full-time ministry. I also questioned myself several times over these weeks if I should actually publish something confessing that my spiritual practices wax and wane...after all, I'm a missionary. One of God's elite super-soldiers, right? Um, no. I'm just as flawed as anyone else. In case anyone thinks God has a ranking system, you should listen to my pastor's sermon on "A Hidden Ancestry" (Dec 16th), in which he reminds us that we are all rebels and rejects. "It's not about your goodness, it's about His grace." Thank you, Lord.